Zombie Jesus - The Real Easter Story

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!

The Resurrection: the cornerstone event of Christianity. Jesus' defeat over death and sin. The first of many brothers to experience the promised new eternal life for all who believe it actually happened.

But if Jesus died and physically rose from the dead 3 days later, what exactly did he experience? What would happen to a body after being dead for 3 days, shooting up into the atmosphere, and then spending 2,000 years floating around somewhere in heaven?

If the Gospels are to be taken as historically accurate biographies of Jesus as they purport, then we need to look at this event from a historical perspective. So, let's take a few minutes this Easter to ask the really important questions.

If you doubt the physicality of the resurrection (as many in Christian history have argued), let us look to the writers of the New Testament themselves.

The New Testament Account

Matthew, Mark, and Luke's Gospels give us similar (though internally conflicting) accounts. For the sake of our discussion, we only care about whether Jesus was physically raised.

Matthew 28:5–6

5 But the angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you seek Jesus who was crucified. 6 He is not here, for he has risen, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay."

Mark 16:6

6 And he said to them, “Do not be alarmed. You seek Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He has risen; he is not here. See the place where they laid him."

Luke 24:2–6

2 And they found the stone rolled away from the tomb, 3 but when they went in they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus.

John's account is very different, but the point is the same: Jesus sat up and walked away . . . after politely folding his linens like a good Jewish boy. Mama Mary would be proud.

John 20:6–7

6 Then Simon Peter came, following him, and went into the tomb. He saw the linen cloths lying there, 7 and the face cloth, which had been on Jesus’ head, not lying with the linen cloths but folded up in a place by itself.

Contradicting storylines aside (to be expected from "eye-witnesses" making up a reason why Jesus' body is gone), the empty tomb is proof of his resurrection, according to the super cool angel (angels?) chilling on the top of the rock. No body = Jesus sat up and wandered off somewhere.

But it gets better (and eventually, more condemning): Jesus proves that the body he died in is the same one he resurrected in. Consider this:

John 20:26–27 (ESV)

26 Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.”

Gross. Jesus asked a disciple to finger him. Whatever floats your boat.

Luke 24:38–43 (ESV)

38 And he said to them, “Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? 39 See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me, and see. For a spirit does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have.” 40 And when he had said this, he showed them his hands and his feet. 41 And while they still disbelieved for joy and were marveling, he said to them, “Have you anything here to eat?” 42 They gave him a piece of broiled fish, 43 and he took it and ate before them.

From these passages, it is clear that Jesus took care to prove his physical human body to his disciples. He was neither a ghost nor spirit.

Yet, not only is Jesus physically human in every sense, he must also possesses the limitations of the human body. In Luke 24:50-52 we see that Jesus ascends up into the sky (heavens in the Greek) out of view of his disciples just outside of Jerusalem.

Acts 1:9

9 And when he had said these things, as they were looking on, he was lifted up, and a cloud took him out of their sight.

Point taken. The Jesus that died is the Jesus that rose. Same body, same Jesus.

As a human being, let's examine the ramifications of what this means.

The Very Short-Lived Ascension

First, the lowest cloud elevation is below 6,500 ft. So let's give Jesus the benefit of the doubt and assume it was a low-level, Stratocumulus day that fine Easter day in Jerusalem. Just the right conditions for a dramatic disappearing act. As he says goodbye and ascends, Jesus hits the first layer of clouds and begins to disappear from sight.

Now, given that he was on a hill and surrounded by his disciples, we can assume that it was an open area clearly visible from the city. At 6,500ft, Jesus would be 3x higher than the current tallest building in the world, the Burj Khalifa. In a city like Jerusalem in the 1st century AD, anything above 100 feet would have the drawn the attention of large crowds. No planes, no drones, no skyscrapers. Seeing a man flying up into the clouds would have been the story of the century (at least until Nero went batshit crazy and burnt Rome down.)

One could argue that no one could've seen him if he shot up at the speed of Superman, but we all know what happens when you accelerate at the speed of sound . . . Yes, you can argue that his disciples saw it, that's how we know about it! They wrote in the Gospels! OK, sure, many of them saw it. But are we to believe that there were not at least two people in all of Jerusalem or Bethany that did not witness a white-tuniced Jew with giant holes in his hands jettisoning into the sky?

Unlike what one would expect from such a miraculous event, we have no eye witness records of this outside of Jesus' disciples. Jesus performed the greatest disappearing act in human history. He pulled a superman 1,900 years before Superman was created. David Blaine ain't shit.

Second, what happens when Jesus continues to ascend towards space? How long can he survive in his freshly-risen man-dough body? About 15,000 feet. Impressive, but a bit short of the 1,584,000 feet needed to leave Earth's atmosphere and ascend to . . . wherever in the universe God chose to set up his throne. At 15,000 feet, Jesus' oxygen level would be so depleted he would pass out. Lower than 57 percent of atmospheric pressure, Jesus' human body would no longer maintain consciousness. His ability to accelerate gone, he would've made a dramatic freefall back to Earth. Unable to regain consciousness, our faithful disciples would've witnessed the first resurrected body in human history splatter in all its glory. The Second Coming was a bit sooner than they expected!

Of course, first century Christians writing the Gospels did not know about the Earth's atmosphere, the vacuum of space, gravity or any other wonder of physics we take for granted today. If they had, we can be sure they would've come up with a better story to tell. One that doesn't result in the Son of God's impalement on the hills of Jerusalem.

But hey, maybe we're being too hard on Mr. Jesus. If we look at the accounts of Jesus appearing to his disciples after his resurrection, we observe one curious phenomenon: he vanishes into thin air (the drama!). Not only is he superman, but he also seems to have discovered Harry's cloak of invisibility. One could argue that Jesus was aware of an alternate dimension we modern folk have not yet discovered, but then why did he ascend into the sky? He would've just vanished with a flash of pizzazz. Maybe some jazz hands and glitter. But hey, maybe he just has a flare for the dramatic?

Fine, let's suppose Jesus discovered the secret of interdimensional travel that allows one to traverse space-time in nothing but a magical white man-dress. Why then do all the NT prophecies speak of him descending from the heavens during his Second Coming? More flare for the dramatic? Jesus really likes an audience. He would've KILLED on Tik-Tok.

Body-Shaming Jesus

Yet, this also begs the question: why is Jesus wearing clothes in his appearances? Besides the symbolic significance of being "clothed with righteousness" as white as snow, shouldn't he be fully, unabashedly naked?

Before the Fall, man was beautifully and shamelessly naked. We strolled around the garden with our dicks flopping about. If Jesus is the Second Adam, why is he clothed? Was he ashamed of his nakedness before his disciples? I mean, they already saw him naked on the cross (no loincloth was given for decency, despite the Disneyesque portrayals in movies and Christian art. Jesus' ding-a-ling was on full display as a convicted criminal. No decency was afforded). Yet, he ascends into heaven wearing his sparkling white digs. Dramatic, again, but not exactly representative of the promised Second Adam. If I'm going to be resurrected, I sure as hell am not going to hide my Adonis body from the world.

Zombie Jesus

Third, Jesus' resurrection is not merely about him. As the first of many brothers (Romans 8:29), his resurrection represents the future bodily resurrection of all Christians during his Second Coming. (However you fall along the premillenial, millenial, post-millennial spectrum, a bodily resurrection is what is taught. Go fight each other on this, not me.) However, we have one slight problem here that Christians somehow fail to grasp:

Jesus was dead for 72 hours.

Not 1, not 4 . . . 72. If he physically rose in the same body he died in as seen above, wounds and all, this means his body did not physically transform. It just sat up and walked out. So what exactly did he look like?

Let's look at what happens immediately after we die.

The first thing to go is what made Jesus, well, Jesus: his brain. With no more oxygen supply to his brain, the most resource-intensive organ starts breaking down. No blood, no oxygen, no brain. Since our brain cells are 70% water, we also get very mushy. Jesus would immediately start puddling in the tomb. Suffice to say, after 3 days, Jesus' brain would be completely useless. No memories, no thoughts, no wisdom. All those promises he made, the day of judgment, the forgiveness of sins, the atonement? Yeah, he won't remember them. His brain is now just a useless pound of flesh.

By the first night, it starts getting worse. Not only is Jesus juice spilling out all over the floor, but the trillions of microbes that helped him digest that tasty fish he just ate begins leaking out of his lower intestines, veins, and arteries. Within a few hours, the delicious yellow-green bile from his liver and gallbladder secretes out into his body, turning him into a lovely yellow-green hue. He also begins forming blisters all over his skin.

Over the next 2 days, these leaking microbes produce toxic gases like ammonia and hydrogen sulfide, which make our handsome Jew expand well beyond his normal size . . . and smell like rotting eggs. Braindead Jesus is now not only grotesque, but gassy.

Thankfully, he has the courtesy to rise from the dead within 3 days and not 3 weeks, preventing his body from turning brownish-black watery mush of flesh. Thanks, Jesus.

So what are we left with? A braindead, leaking, mushy hulk of a man. In other words, Zombie Jesus.

Yep, the Jesus that appeared to the disciples was a zombie, except . . . he wouldn't have been actually able to speak, think, move or do anything other than lie there in his tomb comatose.

So all those sassy judgmental remarks he made to his disciples after his "resurrection"? Yeah, they couldn't have happened.

Eternal Ash Clouds

But there's yet another problem with the Easter story: Jesus' resurrection from the dead is the first of many brothers, the future resurrection of all Christians from all time.

While Jesus was a zombie after 3 days, we're not so lucky. Unless you happen to be alive when Zombie Jesus returns or have died within 10 minutes, your body is long decomposed. Your dusty self has been recycled into the Earth as a plant or on animal shit by now. If Jesus' permanent scars are any indication of the powerlessness of God to resurrect a body into brand, spanking new condition, then we're absolutely fucked. No zombie body for you. If the Spirit couldn't repair a few holes, how the hell will it turn ash into your stunning self? Honestly, I would rather stay dead than float around in heaven as a cloud of ash. Not that I would be aware of this anyway, of course.

Jesus Poops

Lastly, when you eat, you poop. That means for almost 2,000 years, Jesus has had to excuse himself before the throne of God to take a heavenly dump... unless of course there is no shame, guilt or embarrassment in heaven (as one would assume) and he relieves himself in glory. As the thousands of heavenly hosts sing "Praise be to the lamb!" Jesus pulls up his tunic and shits.

The only internally consistent explanation for this resurrection account is that Jesus did not physically rise from the dead but came back as a spirit. But if this is the case, then we have 2 other problems:

Jesus is a liar and so are his disciples. If he rose as a spirit, he tricked them all into thinking he was physical. If he tricked them, he's a liar. If he's a liar, he's not the Messiah he claimed to be and nothing in the New Testament can be trusted as historically accurate.

Another possible explanation is that prior to his death, Jesus expected himself to come back within his disciples lifetime. Unfortunately for every Christian that has died since Zombie Jesus' resurrection, he's been delaying his last supper dinner date for 2,000 years. Of course, this isn't surprising, in all honesty: zombies don't keep reservations.

So on this Easter Sunday, remember:

Millions upon millions of people for the last 2,000 years have gathered together to celebrate zombie Jesus' splattering descent back to Earth.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day!