If I'm a . . .

sermon skeptic . . .

rational believer . . . 

former Christian . . . 

confused seminary student . . .

or

taboo question asker . . .

then you're in the right place, friend! Read on . . .

TL;DR

I’m a former reformed theologian and seminary graduate who studied his way out of Christianity. Now, I’m committed to exposing the Bible from the inside out to help others like me find the truth and escape the madness.

I write with academic integrity swaddled in irreverent self-deprecating humor. Not for the faint of heart.

I post at least once per week, but as often as I want to.

Ok  . . . 

Christians take Christianity WAY too seriously. Like most religious folk, they lose their minds when even the simplest humor is interjected into biblical teaching. God forbid we laugh at God.

At *Jesus Pooped*, we tear off our clerical robes to run around naked and exposed while exposing the not-so-eternal truths in the Bible. 

For you theology nerds, *Jesus Pooped* is an Irreverent Commentary to Understand the New Testament through the lens of a former reformed theologian (the supralapsarian kind). You can just say ICUNT for short.

So, it's like . . . 

Wikileaks for Christianity.

Doctrine for Degenerates.

Whistleblowing Jesus.

Scripture for Skeptics.

Ok, but why should I listen to you?

Glad you asked, random and probably average-intelligence and unattractive Internet stranger. Allow me to introduce my pseudonymous self. 

I graduated first in my class at an evangelical Christian seminary in 2013. My double major was Koine Greek (the language the New Testament was written in) and Biblical Hermeneutics (the art and science of interpreting the Bible in the original languages). Prior to seminary, I voraciously studied Greek and the Bible for 7 years on my own. I was the consummate young disciple: fervently devoted to understanding the God of the Scriptures as revealed in the person of Jesus Christ (but especially as envisioned by Reformed Theology, because, it's just fucking cool.)

Now? I'm part agnostic, part atheist, part ape. A filthy pagan, as it were. A degenerate prodigal son who isn't returning back home any time soon (the views over here are WAY better. So is the food.). 

Instead of preaching sermons, writing devotionals, and teaching Hermeneutics to seminary students and fellow church goers at my local (very American) Evangelical church, I've decided to write from the perspective of irreverent commentary that both respects the historical and authorial intent of the Scriptures while exposing it for its absurdities. I'm adamantly opposed to modern attempts to re-read the Bible through the lens of some newly conceived modern philosophy. The Bible was not written to us modern apes. We don't get to make it an American religion. You either believe the Bible for what it originally says or you believe in a Jesus of your own making.

So in other words, Crosswalk Books won't be publishing my work anytime soon. My only allegiance is with the truth, wherever and however it may be found within the crinkled pages of the world's most widely read book.

It's time to save Christians from the tyranny of baby Jesus. One verse at a time.

So you're one of those bitter, angry, lesbian ex-Christians that hate the world because you couldn't diddle your girlfriend?

No! I'm not even a woman! But that's entirely different.

I'm actually a moderately happy, fun-loving person who is passionately, vehemently opposed to the deliberate deception, massive manipulation, and bold intellectual brainwashing of Christianity. But hey, there are some good parts too.

As to how I got here, well, it's a long story (that would make for a great book!).

Tl;dr: I spent 15 years studying, teaching, and writing about the Bible and Christianity only to discover it wasn't true. My passion for truth has compelled me to do something about it with the skills and knowledge I've acquired. And people take life WAY too seriously by making certain topics taboo. Fuck that.

The longer version (skip if you're bored): For 15 years, I soberly studied Scripture. If you had asked me why, I would tell you there was no greater calling for a smart, gifted, devoted disciple of Christ than to go to seminary to help the Church rightly know their God, and in doing so, their purpose in life. It was a truly noble calling that I believed with all my heart and mind. 

For 10+ hours every day for a decade and a half, I read nothing but the Bible, theological works, commentaries, exegetical papers, transcribed sermons from leading teacher-pastors (not a fan of audio books or podcasts in general), and every academic and (some) practical Christian book I could find. I read at a very fast pace and can devour 20+ books per month, so I covered a lot of ground. (I even wrote a few Christian book reviews during my 'soon-to-be-rebellious' period that went viral!) So yeah, you could say I was the shit.

I burned with passion for uncovering and disseminating the truth. Every time a local pastor exposited a verse incorrectly or extrapolated well beyond the authorial intent (what the original author meant to say) of the text, I would furiously scratch scathing comments into my notebook. My pen raced with the heat of the seven hells as it condemned this simpleton for his heinous crime of misinterpreting the Word of God. How could people be so careless and reckless with cosmic truth?!?

That was it: being a neurosurgeon or journalist (the other options I almost pursued. Gah!) would never satiate my intellectual furor. It was all or nothing if I didn't want to waste my life. It meant it was time to devote my life to sharing the truth of Christianity.

And yet, here we are, 8 years after graduating seminary. A former Christian and unrepentant sinner (Hi, Mom!). My expedition for truth led me away from Jesus. A promised land with no churches, no theology, no people, no God. 15 years of unbridled passion to discover that "the truth" could never be found in the pages I perused. Neither Paul, John nor Jesus held the answers I sought. At least, not in the way I had imagined them to be.

No amount of lipstick could makeover our beloved apostle Paul into anything other than the pig he was (I do like Paul, though. He's one sassy bitch). 

Aren't you going to Hell now?

Definitely. 

But rather than viewing these years as wasted in the cult of American Christianity, I've decided to become a double agent: infiltrating the Scriptures I swore to protect in order to leak their secrets to the world. Johnny English with a parchment fetish. And if we've learned anything from the Johnny English spy movies, it's that only a man with clumsy inadequacy can expose the lies, deceit, and evil from within. And, of course, with a heavy dose of self-deprecating comedy.

So yeah, I want to whistle blow the Bible with pizzazz.

With my Jesus-loving glasses removed, I'm determined to expose the Bible for what it really is: 

a sometimes useful (and oft dangerously damaging) collection of man's attempt to make himself special.

Serenely beautiful at its best, wicked at its worst, hilarious at its finest, the Christian Bible remains the most popular and widely printed book in history. It has birthed countless volumes expounding upon its history and teachings from every philosophical vantage point that clever men have derived since the 1st century AD. Gnosticism, Protestantism, Puritanism, Mormonism, Liberalism, Neo-Orthodoxy, Post-Modernism, Feminism, etc.

Yet, all these --yes every single one--have one HUGE flaw: they're deathly serious. 

Not one book writes about how stupid Jesus' use of parables was. Or the immense insecurity and emotional tantrums of YHWH. Or how much David hates his neighbor's babies. Not one mention! 

This is a travesty. The greatest book(s) ever written are locked away in the forbidden books section. Untouched by self-critical irreverence. Too taboo to poo-poo. 

Enter Jesus Pooped. 

It's time we looked at the Bible fairly: through an educated, scholarly approach . . . while laughing at Jesus, God, and ourselves. Let's Johnny English this bitch.

After all, Jesus pooped and so do you!